All Two and a Half Men Episodes
Complete episode list with air dates and details
Season 1
24 episodes • Sep 2003 - May 2004
1.
Pilot
2.
Big Flappy Bastards
3.
Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell
4.
If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap
5.
The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump
6.
Did You Check With the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?
7.
If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake
8.
Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without a Snoot-Ful
9.
Phase One, Complete
10.
Merry Thanksgiving
11.
Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor
12.
Camel Filters and Pheromones
13.
Sarah Like Puny Alan
14.
I Can't Afford Hyenas
15.
Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick
16.
That Was Saliva, Alan
17.
Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats
18.
An Old Flame with a New Wick
19.
I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You
20.
Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark
21.
No Sniffing, No Wowing
22.
My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet
23.
Just Like Buffalo
24.
Can You Feel My Finger?
Season 2
24 episodes • Sep 2004 - May 2005
1.
Back Off, Mary Poppins
2.
Enjoy Those Garlic Balls
3.
A Bag Full of Jawea
4.
Go Get Mommy's Bra
5.
Bad News from the Clinic?
6.
The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance
7.
A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana
8.
Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers
9.
Yes, Monsignor
10.
The Salmon Under My Sweater
11.
Last Chance to See Those Tattoos
12.
A Lungful of Alan
13.
Zejdz Zmoich Wlosow (Get Off My Hair)
14.
Those Big Pink Things with Coconut
15.
Smell the Umbrella Stand
16.
Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth?
17.
Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam!
18.
It Was Mame, Mom
19.
A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise
20.
I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey
21.
A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On
22.
That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother
23.
Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab
24.
Does This Smell Funny to You?
Season 3
24 episodes • Sep 2005 - May 2006
1.
Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts
2.
Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover
3.
Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark
4.
Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs
5.
We Called It Mr. Pinky
6.
Hi, Mr. Horned One
7.
Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop
8.
That Voodoo That I Do Do
9.
Madame and Her Special Friend
10.
Something Salted and Twisted
11.
Santa's Village of the Damned
12.
That Special Tug
13.
Humiliation Is a Visual Medium
14.
Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded
15.
My Tongue is Meat
16.
Ergo, the Booty Call
17.
The Unfortunate Little Schnauzer
18.
The Spit-Covered Cobbler
19.
Golly Moses, She's a Muffin
20.
Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro
21.
And the Plot Moistens
22.
Just Once with Aunt Sophie
23.
Arguments for the Quickie
24.
That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite
Season 4
24 episodes • Sep 2006 - May 2007
1.
Working for Caligula
2.
Who's Vod Kanockers?
3.
The Sea Is a Harsh Mistress
4.
A Pot Smoking Monkey
5.
A Live Woman of Proven Fertility
6.
Apologies for the Frivolity
7.
Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head
8.
Release the Dogs
9.
Corey's Been Dead for an Hour
10.
Kissing Abraham Lincoln
11.
Walnuts and Demerol
12.
Castrating Sheep in Montana
13.
Don't Worry, Speed Racer
14.
That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami
15.
My Damn Stalker
16.
Young People Have Phlegm Too
17.
I Merely Slept with a Commie
18.
It Never Rains in Hooterville
19.
Smooth as a Ken Doll
20.
Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot
21.
Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous
22.
Mr. McGlue's Feedbag
23.
Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin'
24.
Prostitutes and Gelato
Season 5
19 episodes • Sep 2007 - May 2008
1.
Large Birds, Spiders and Mom
2.
Media Room Slash Dungeon
3.
Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo
4.
City of Great Racks
5.
Putting Swim Fins on a Cat
6.
Help Daddy Find His Toenail
7.
Our Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room
8.
Is There a Mrs. Waffles?
9.
Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids
10.
Kinda Like Necrophilia
11.
Meander to Your Dander
12.
A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh
13.
The Soil Is Moist
14.
Winky-Dink Time
15.
Rough Night in Hump Junction
16.
Look At Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty
17.
Fish in a Drawer
18.
If My Hole Could Talk
19.
Waiting for the Right Snapper
Season 6
24 episodes • Sep 2008 - May 2009
1.
Taterhead Is Our Love Child
2.
Pie Hole, Herb
3.
Damn You, Eggs Benedict
4.
The Flavin' and the Mavin'
5.
A Jock Strap in Hell
6.
It's Always Nazi Week
7.
Best H.O. Money Can Buy
8.
Pinocchio's Mouth
9.
The Mooch at the Boo
10.
He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited
11.
The Devil's Lube
12.
Thank God for Scoliosis
13.
I Think You Offended Don
14.
David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie
15.
I'd Like to Start with the Cat
16.
She'll Still Be Dead At Halftime
17.
The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'?
18.
My Son's Enormous Head
19.
The Two Finger Rule
20.
Hello, I Am Alan Cousteau
21.
Above Exalted Cyclops
22.
Sir Lancelot's Litter Box
23.
Good Morning, Mrs. Butterworth
24.
Baseball Was Better with Steroids
Season 7
22 episodes • Sep 2009 - May 2010
1.
818-jklpuzo
2.
Whipped Unto the Third Generation
3.
Mmm, Fish. Yum.
4.
Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator
5.
For the Sake of the Child
6.
Give Me Your Thumb
7.
Untainted by Filth
8.
Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle.
9.
Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair
10.
That's Why They Call It Ball Room
11.
Warning, It's Dirty
12.
Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste
13.
Yay, No Polyps!
14.
Crude and Uncalled For (1)
15.
Aye, Aye, Captain Douche (2)
16.
Tinkle Like a Princess
17.
I Found Your Moustache
18.
Ixnay on the Oggie Day
19.
Keith Moon Is Vomiting in His Grave
20.
I Called Him Magoo
21.
Gumby with a Pokey
22.
This Is Not Gonna End Well
Season 8
16 episodes • Sep 2010 - Feb 2011
1.
Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud
2.
A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer
3.
A Pudding-Filled Cactus
4.
Hookers, Hookers, Hookers
5.
The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel
6.
Twanging Your Magic Clanger
7.
The Crazy Bitch Gazette
8.
Springtime on a Stick
9.
A Good Time in Central Africa
10.
Ow, Ow, Don't Stop
11.
Dead from the Waist Down
12.
Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead
13.
Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup
14.
Lookin' for Japanese Subs
15.
Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak
16.
That Darn Priest
Season 9
24 episodes • Sep 2011 - May 2012
1.
Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt
2.
People Who Love Peepholes
3.
Big Girls Don't Throw Food
4.
Nine Magic Fingers
5.
A Giant Cat Holding a Churro
6.
The Squat and the Hover
7.
Those Fancy Japanese Toilets
8.
Thank You for the Intercourse
9.
Frodo's Headshots
10.
A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes
11.
What a Lovely Landing Strip
12.
One False Move, Zimbabwe!
13.
Slowly and in a Circular Fashion
14.
A Possum on Chemo
15.
The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack
16.
Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy
17.
Not in My Mouth!
18.
The War Against Gingivitis
19.
Palmdale, Ech
20.
Grandma's Pie
21.
Mr. Hose Says 'Yes'
22.
Why We Gave Up Women
23.
The Straw in My Donut Hole
24.
Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!
Season 10
23 episodes • Sep 2012 - May 2013
1.
I Changed My Mind About the Milk
2.
A Big Bag of Dog
3.
Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt
4.
You Do Know What the Lollipop Is For
5.
That's Not What They Call It in Amsterdam
6.
Ferrets, Attack!
7.
Avoid the Chinese Mustard
8.
Something My Gynecologist Said
9.
I Scream When I Pee
10.
One Nut Johnson
11.
Give Santa a Tail-Hole
12.
Welcome to Alancrest
13.
Grab a Feather and Get in Line
14.
Run, Steven Staven! Run!
15.
Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It
16.
Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby
17.
Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries
18.
The 9:04 from Pemberton
19.
Big Episode. Someone Stole a Spoon
20.
Bazinga! That's From a TV Show
21.
Another Night with Neil Diamond
22.
My Bodacious Vidalia
23.
Cows, Prepare to Be Tipped
Season 11
22 episodes • Sep 2013 - May 2014
1.
Nangnangnangnang
2.
I Think I Banged Lucille Ball
3.
This Unblessed Biscuit
4.
Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank
5.
Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003
6.
Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants
7.
Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie
8.
Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room.
9.
Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer
10.
On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer!
11.
Tazed in the Lady Nuts
12.
Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball.
13.
Bite Me, Supreme Court
14.
Three Fingers of Creme de Menthe
15.
Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin
16.
How to Get Rid of Alan Harper
17.
Welcome Home, Jake
18.
West Side Story
19.
Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang
20.
Lotta Delis in Little Armenia
21.
Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot
22.
Oh, WALD-E, Good Times Ahead
Season 12
16 episodes • Oct 2014 - Feb 2015
1.
The Ol' Mexican Spinach
2.
A Chic Bar in Ibiza
3.
Glamping in a Yurt
4.
Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight
5.
Oontz. Oontz. Oontz.
6.
Alan Shot a Little Girl
7.
Sex with an Animated Ed Asner
8.
Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey
9.
Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey
10.
Here I Come, Pants!
11.
For Whom the Booty Calls
12.
A Beer-Battered Rip-Off
13.
Boompa Loved His Hookers
14.
Don't Give a Monkey a Gun
15.
Of Course He's Dead (1)
16.
Of Course He's Dead (2)
Two and a Half Men Episode Ratings
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