Two and a Half Men Episode Ratings
Visual grid of all episodes and their ratings
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All Two and a Half Men Episodes
Complete episode list with air dates and details
Season 1
EP1
Pilot
EP2
Big Flappy Bastards
EP3
Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell
EP4
If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap
EP5
The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump
EP6
Did You Check With the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?
EP7
If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake
EP8
Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without a Snoot-Ful
EP9
Phase One, Complete
EP10
Merry Thanksgiving
EP11
Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor
EP12
Camel Filters and Pheromones
EP13
Sarah Like Puny Alan
EP14
I Can't Afford Hyenas
EP15
Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick
EP16
That Was Saliva, Alan
EP17
Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats
EP18
An Old Flame with a New Wick
EP19
I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You
EP20
Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark
EP21
No Sniffing, No Wowing
EP22
My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet
EP23
Just Like Buffalo
EP24
Can You Feel My Finger?
Season 2
EP1
Back Off, Mary Poppins
EP2
Enjoy Those Garlic Balls
EP3
A Bag Full of Jawea
EP4
Go Get Mommy's Bra
EP5
Bad News from the Clinic?
EP6
The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance
EP7
A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana
EP8
Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers
EP9
Yes, Monsignor
EP10
The Salmon Under My Sweater
EP11
Last Chance to See Those Tattoos
EP12
A Lungful of Alan
EP13
Zejdz Zmoich Wlosow (Get Off My Hair)
EP14
Those Big Pink Things with Coconut
EP15
Smell the Umbrella Stand
EP16
Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth?
EP17
Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam!
EP18
It Was Mame, Mom
EP19
A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise
EP20
I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey
EP21
A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On
EP22
That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother
EP23
Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab
EP24
Does This Smell Funny to You?
Season 3
EP1
Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts
EP2
Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover
EP3
Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark
EP4
Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs
EP5
We Called It Mr. Pinky
EP6
Hi, Mr. Horned One
EP7
Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop
EP8
That Voodoo That I Do Do
EP9
Madame and Her Special Friend
EP10
Something Salted and Twisted
EP11
Santa's Village of the Damned
EP12
That Special Tug
EP13
Humiliation Is a Visual Medium
EP14
Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded
EP15
My Tongue is Meat
EP16
Ergo, the Booty Call
EP17
The Unfortunate Little Schnauzer
EP18
The Spit-Covered Cobbler
EP19
Golly Moses, She's a Muffin
EP20
Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro
EP21
And the Plot Moistens
EP22
Just Once with Aunt Sophie
EP23
Arguments for the Quickie
EP24
That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite
Season 4
EP1
Working for Caligula
EP2
Who's Vod Kanockers?
EP3
The Sea Is a Harsh Mistress
EP4
A Pot Smoking Monkey
EP5
A Live Woman of Proven Fertility
EP6
Apologies for the Frivolity
EP7
Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head
EP8
Release the Dogs
EP9
Corey's Been Dead for an Hour
EP10
Kissing Abraham Lincoln
EP11
Walnuts and Demerol
EP12
Castrating Sheep in Montana
EP13
Don't Worry, Speed Racer
EP14
That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami
EP15
My Damn Stalker
EP16
Young People Have Phlegm Too
EP17
I Merely Slept with a Commie
EP18
It Never Rains in Hooterville
EP19
Smooth as a Ken Doll
EP20
Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot
EP21
Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous
EP22
Mr. McGlue's Feedbag
EP23
Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin'
EP24
Prostitutes and Gelato
Season 5
EP1
Large Birds, Spiders and Mom
EP2
Media Room Slash Dungeon
EP3
Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo
EP4
City of Great Racks
EP5
Putting Swim Fins on a Cat
EP6
Help Daddy Find His Toenail
EP7
Our Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room
EP8
Is There a Mrs. Waffles?
EP9
Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids
EP10
Kinda Like Necrophilia
EP11
Meander to Your Dander
EP12
A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh
EP13
The Soil Is Moist
EP14
Winky-Dink Time
EP15
Rough Night in Hump Junction
EP16
Look At Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty
EP17
Fish in a Drawer
EP18
If My Hole Could Talk
EP19
Waiting for the Right Snapper
Season 6
EP1
Taterhead Is Our Love Child
EP2
Pie Hole, Herb
EP3
Damn You, Eggs Benedict
EP4
The Flavin' and the Mavin'
EP5
A Jock Strap in Hell
EP6
It's Always Nazi Week
EP7
Best H.O. Money Can Buy
EP8
Pinocchio's Mouth
EP9
The Mooch at the Boo
EP10
He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited
EP11
The Devil's Lube
EP12
Thank God for Scoliosis
EP13
I Think You Offended Don
EP14
David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie
EP15
I'd Like to Start with the Cat
EP16
She'll Still Be Dead At Halftime
EP17
The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'?
EP18
My Son's Enormous Head
EP19
The Two Finger Rule
EP20
Hello, I Am Alan Cousteau
EP21
Above Exalted Cyclops
EP22
Sir Lancelot's Litter Box
EP23
Good Morning, Mrs. Butterworth
EP24
Baseball Was Better with Steroids
Season 7
EP1
818-jklpuzo
EP2
Whipped Unto the Third Generation
EP3
Mmm, Fish. Yum.
EP4
Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator
EP5
For the Sake of the Child
EP6
Give Me Your Thumb
EP7
Untainted by Filth
EP8
Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle.
EP9
Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair
EP10
That's Why They Call It Ball Room
EP11
Warning, It's Dirty
EP12
Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste
EP13
Yay, No Polyps!
EP14
Crude and Uncalled For (1)
EP15
Aye, Aye, Captain Douche (2)
EP16
Tinkle Like a Princess
EP17
I Found Your Moustache
EP18
Ixnay on the Oggie Day
EP19
Keith Moon Is Vomiting in His Grave
EP20
I Called Him Magoo
EP21
Gumby with a Pokey
EP22
This Is Not Gonna End Well
Season 8
EP1
Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud
EP2
A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer
EP3
A Pudding-Filled Cactus
EP4
Hookers, Hookers, Hookers
EP5
The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel
EP6
Twanging Your Magic Clanger
EP7
The Crazy Bitch Gazette
EP8
Springtime on a Stick
EP9
A Good Time in Central Africa
EP10
Ow, Ow, Don't Stop
EP11
Dead from the Waist Down
EP12
Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead
EP13
Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup
EP14
Lookin' for Japanese Subs
EP15
Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak
EP16
That Darn Priest
Season 9
EP1
Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt
EP2
People Who Love Peepholes
EP3
Big Girls Don't Throw Food
EP4
Nine Magic Fingers
EP5
A Giant Cat Holding a Churro
EP6
The Squat and the Hover
EP7
Those Fancy Japanese Toilets
EP8
Thank You for the Intercourse
EP9
Frodo's Headshots
EP10
A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes
EP11
What a Lovely Landing Strip
EP12
One False Move, Zimbabwe!
EP13
Slowly and in a Circular Fashion
EP14
A Possum on Chemo
EP15
The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack
EP16
Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy
EP17
Not in My Mouth!
EP18
The War Against Gingivitis
EP19
Palmdale, Ech
EP20
Grandma's Pie
EP21
Mr. Hose Says 'Yes'
EP22
Why We Gave Up Women
EP23
The Straw in My Donut Hole
EP24
Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!
Season 10
EP1
I Changed My Mind About the Milk
EP2
A Big Bag of Dog
EP3
Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt
EP4
You Do Know What the Lollipop Is For
EP5
That's Not What They Call It in Amsterdam
EP6
Ferrets, Attack!
EP7
Avoid the Chinese Mustard
EP8
Something My Gynecologist Said
EP9
I Scream When I Pee
EP10
One Nut Johnson
EP11
Give Santa a Tail-Hole
EP12
Welcome to Alancrest
EP13
Grab a Feather and Get in Line
EP14
Run, Steven Staven! Run!
EP15
Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It
EP16
Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby
EP17
Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries
EP18
The 9:04 from Pemberton
EP19
Big Episode. Someone Stole a Spoon
EP20
Bazinga! That's From a TV Show
EP21
Another Night with Neil Diamond
EP22
My Bodacious Vidalia
EP23
Cows, Prepare to Be Tipped
Season 11
EP1
Nangnangnangnang
EP2
I Think I Banged Lucille Ball
EP3
This Unblessed Biscuit
EP4
Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank
EP5
Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003
EP6
Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants
EP7
Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie
EP8
Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room.
EP9
Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer
EP10
On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer!
EP11
Tazed in the Lady Nuts
EP12
Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball.
EP13
Bite Me, Supreme Court
EP14
Three Fingers of Creme de Menthe
EP15
Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin
EP16
How to Get Rid of Alan Harper
EP17
Welcome Home, Jake
EP18
West Side Story
EP19
Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang
EP20
Lotta Delis in Little Armenia
EP21
Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot
EP22
Oh, WALD-E, Good Times Ahead
Season 12
EP1
The Ol' Mexican Spinach
EP2
A Chic Bar in Ibiza
EP3
Glamping in a Yurt
EP4
Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight
EP5
Oontz. Oontz. Oontz.
EP6
Alan Shot a Little Girl
EP7
Sex with an Animated Ed Asner
EP8
Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey
EP9
Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey
EP10
Here I Come, Pants!
EP11
For Whom the Booty Calls
EP12
A Beer-Battered Rip-Off
EP13
Boompa Loved His Hookers
EP14
Don't Give a Monkey a Gun
EP15
Of Course He's Dead (1)
EP16
Of Course He's Dead (2)